An excerpt from Sam’s Journal
We get a lot of important memos here, and, occasionally, some really silly ones. Today’s silly memo was about air freshener. I am pasting it here, just to remind me not to take everything I do seriously.
From: Major Stewart Labante
Environmental Control Officer
Cheyenne Mountain Complex
To: All Personnel
Subject: Air Freshener
1. It has come to my attention that individuals have been requisitioning various brands and types of air freshener.
2. After consultation with the base procurement officer, Major Parsons, it has been determined that these requisitions do not fall within the guidelines for individual purchase requests.
3. Furthermore, department and section heads will no longer be authorized to purchase any type of air freshener. All purchases for the base will now be bulk purchases by the procurement officer.
4. There will be no discussion of fragrance. All air freshener will have the same scent, which will change monthly.
5. A memo will be distributed on the last day of each month describing the scent of the air freshener to be used the following month.
6. All air freshener will be disseminated via the air conditioning system.
7. Anyone detecting on odor other than the authorized scent should report same to my office.
I met Daniel in the commissary for lunch today. Its unusual for us to both be free at the same time for lunch unless we’re setting up for a mission. Its even more unusual for the commissary to have something we both agree is palatable on the menu. Tuna fish is one of those things. The Colonel likes it too. They both like the sandwiches, I prefer the salad, but its the same mixture. Teal’c never says much about food. If he doesn’t like something he just frowns and leaves it on his plate. He seems to enjoy fresh fruit a lot. I suspect fruit was hard to come by on Chulak.
Anyway, Daniel brought up the air freshener memo. He said he wanted to send the one pasted below into the system as a response, but I wouldn’t let him. I pointed out it would only cause a hassle for General Hammond, but I offered to add it to my journal.
From: Doctor Daniel Jackson
To: Major Stewart Labante
Environmental Controller Officer
Cheyenne Mountain Complex
Info To: Major Benjamin Parsons
Reference: Air Freshener Memo, this date
1. It has come to my attention that air freshener fragrances are being purchased without my approval.
2. Be advised that any unauthorized use of air freshener which does not meet the standards of the American Archeological Administration (AAA) and the Archeologic International Review (AIR) is prohibited by International Law.
3. Due to the delicate condition of certain artifacts now in the possession of the SGC, use of said unauthorized aerosols may incur a penalty of up to $5,000 and/or up to two years penal servitude.
4. Use of potpourri air freshener is strictly forbidden under any circumstances. ***
Then the Colonel got into the act. I showed him Daniel’s memo and he dashed off one of his own to add to this growing body of work.
From: Colonel Jonathon O’Neill
SGC Executive Officer
To: Major Stewart Labante and Major Benjamin Parsons
Info To: Doctor Daniel Jackson
Ref: Memos this date on air freshener from above personnel
1. Due to the extreme need for camouflage by off-world personnel, under no circumstances will any floral scented air freshener be authorized for use on this base. Contamination of clothing by floral scents can lead to detection and compromise of SG teams.
2. Unscented air freshener is recommended for use throughout the base.
3. In most circumstances, pine scent is also authorized, but should not be used within two weeks prior to deployment of any unit to a planet with desert terrain.
4. Sandalwood may be substituted for pine when the circumstances in paragraph 3 apply.
Okay, now I had to write my own memo to add to the pile. I think I will hand them all to Uncle George when he is having a really bad day, so he can have a good laugh.
From: Major Samantha Carter
Senior female, SGC
To: All female personnel
Reference: Memos this date from Major Labante, Doctor Jackson and Colonel O’Neill
1. In line with the referenced message traffic, I am ordering all female personnel to remove all fragrances of any kind from the locker rooms at the SGC and from the base itself.
2. No fragrance of any kind will be worn by any military personnel while on base or off-world.
3. The above prohibitions do not apply to shampoo or soap, but do include deodorant.